Chapter 5

It had never occurred to him before just how much it pained him to pass Piaròmine's dorm every day. Unlike his reminder of his promise to Lyiyn, which held a shred of hope, in her he could only see his failure and regret. Each new day was another nail in his coffin, but with no end of nails in sight. How long would his wake drag out?

Again, Thyathyrec asked Kyò to let him at least feel like he got to walk home alone, and he had no reason to believe she would deny him that simple request. With that in mind, he became vaguely aware of someone else stepping quickly but silently up to meet him.

"Oye, long day?"

He had started to expect Lyiyn's stealth appearances, something he came to appreciate as a beneficial practice for soldiers. "Kinda," Thyathyrec said flatly. "Started out looking bad, but Myl came through for me and got me an in, even though IЪel's been actively trying to sabotage my efforts to move forward. I think I've sussed a lot of Yrakc's language, but—"

"Oh, that's her real name?"

"Yeah," he mused. "I guess I forgot to tell you that part first."

Lyiyn laughed. "You forget—there's a thought."

Thyathyrec smirked absentmindedly. "Nn..."

"Curiously normal sounding name for an alien."

"Well, to be fair, she spells it A-L-E-X."

"Huh." Lyiyn put his hands on his hips. "Yeah, that's pretty weird."

"That's what I thought, too."

"Speaking of thoughts, I've got a few on my mind."

Lyiyn's voice became serious then, snapping Thyathyrec out of his daze. Outside of soldier duty, Lyiyn sounding serious tended to mean something had gone terribly wrong.

"What's up?" he asked, wary.

"...it's Pia-sy."

Thyathyrec stopped in his tracks. One of those talks, then?

"The other night," Lyiyn began, "she came to me with tears in her eyes. It was such a miserable sight—"

"What are you trying to say, Lyi." His voice turned cold, with more than a hint of impatience visible in his face.

The tone caught Lyiyn off-guard, having clearly not expected to meet with outright hostility. "I think you know exactly what I'm trying to say, Thya. She was SHOOK. You did something to upset Pia-sy, and I wanted to know why."

Thyathyrec stabbed his staff into the ground, a scowl on his face. "I got tired of beating around the bush when she laid into me."

"How do you mean?"

He stared at the ground as though trying to bore a hole in it with his glare alone, not wanting to look his friend in the eye. "Tell me, what do you think about blokes who mess around before marriage?"

Lyiyn raised an eyebrow at him, waggling his head. "I don't think much about it either way, to be honest."

"And birds?"

He shook his head, not understanding the point. "Hey, we're all free to do what we want, if it doesn't hurt anyone. Guys, gals, as long as they're legal, and it's consensual."

Thyathyrec strolled over to the nearest bench and sat, reclining as Lyiyn followed suit. "I guess I felt the same way for a while, but when she started laying the pressure on me, all I could think about was how I didn't want everyone talking about it the next day."

"Pssh," Lyiyn scoffed as he waved a hand in dismissal. "It's not their business! Who cares what people talk about?"

"I do! Maybe you don't think I should, but I can't help it. My folks raised me to respect others, and I thought, if I was just out for a shag, I wouldn't respect either of us in the morning. What if she was bad? What if I was? I feel like marriage wouldn't mean anything then, the whole, 'Why buy the jòď when you get the milk for free?' deal. That made me feel too guilty, wondering if I wouldn't unintentionally throw her away afterward."

"But I thought if you really liked someone, you would still want to be with them the next day, EVEN if it was bad. I mean, it's just sex, right? Life's a lot more than that." He pointed a finger at Thyathyrec. "You remember when Ianiyò asked me out, even though she was almost a year older than us?"

"Yeah, that was weird."

"So, thing is – we did it."

Thyathyrec raised his eyebrows with interest. "Oh?"

"It was before 3G was announced. Ianiyò just had a bad feeling and wanted to have a good time before shit hit the fan, before she ended up getting deployed along with our parents. I was stupid and a bit horny, and we went to town, sure. It was fine, I GUESS, but it lacked intimacy. Does that mean I'm ruined for marriage? Hell, no! I still want sex with AND marriage to that someone special, because it will be that someone special. It's like having a cake—just because I had one bad cake, it doesn't mean that I can't ever look forward to a good cake later, or to all the other things couples do, like build a life together. I want to see my kids grow up, and I want to share that experience with the one who made them with me."

"I know, but..." Thyathyrec struggled to put his feelings into words. "I'd still want it to be good, you know? Like, maybe I have this unfair vision of how things would be, but if we were married, at least we would still have that if just one thing was missing. Not married, that's another thing to discourage tying the knot."

"So you'd give up all idea of physical intimacy, just to make THE IDEA of marriage slightly more worthwhile, even if it means dying alone?"

"Absolutely."

"Oh, man." Lyiyn seemed to struggle stifling a laugh, but he failed. "It's—I mean, I didn't realise you were such a prude."

Sighing, Thyathyrec stared up at the night sky through the fanning jinkjò leaves hanging overhead badly in need of a pruning. "There's more to life than messing around, Lyi."

"I suppose you'd know all about that, then?"

Thyathyrec glowered at him, eyes like daggers.

"Look..." Lyiyn's voice faltered, something clearly bothering him. "What I wanted to talk to you about was – I found out more than I wanted to know when Pia-sy came to me."

"Like what?"

"Like – that you hadn't—"

Thyathyrec's glare became so piercing that Lyiyn winced as though he could feel it even after he had looked away. "What, did she tell you?"

Lyiyn leaned back in the bench, reaching up and squeezing one of the lower-hanging jinkjò berries.

Now Thyathyrec's eyes grew bigger than plates. "I can't believe you," he snapped, stabbing his staff into the dirt with a force that could have broken it in half. "On the rebound?"

"You can't believe me? She was practically throwing herself at you, and you pushed her aside like so much dirty laundry."

"I wanted to wait! I tried to let her down easy, but you took her the instant I looked away!"

Lyiyn raised his hand in exasperation. "Hey, you knew I had a huge thing for her, too! It was weak of me, yeah, but how was I to turn her down for something she wanted so badly? I had just figured, you know... you would've been first."

Thyathyrec's glare softened into a look of shame. He turned away, suddenly finding his feet very attractive, but frowning all the same.

"Don't be like that, Thya. I told you, I had no idea you felt—"

"Did she like it."

Lyiyn looked deeply unsettled by the sharp lack of emotion in Thyathyrec's voice, but he had a sudden change of expression, irritated. "YES. She said it was FANTASTIC cake, and she wanted to go all n—"

"You didn't pressure her, did you."

"No!" He furiously waved his hands in reflex. "Absolutely not! Nothing like that at all! I just tried to calm her down at first, and dry her tears, but then she – you know..." He crossed his arms. "Funny how such a small girl can overpower a swole dude like me... Anyway, all she regretted was it wasn't with YOU."

Thyathyrec sighed with the weight of a million years, feeling his heart smash into a trillion pieces. For the first time in his life, Thyathyrec felt completely alone, backstabbed by his best friend. Lyiyn was dead to him, as far as he was concerned. Yet at the same time, he felt even more confused than he ever did, wrestling with his feelings about suddenly getting exactly what he had thought he wanted.

Lyiyn could sense this, it seemed. "Remember that talk we had four years ago about Pia-sy?" he asked, his voice low.

Thyathyrec clenched his fists. "...how could I not?"

"And how we both knew it was going to hurt one of us if the other ended up with her?"

He looked away again, still frowning. "It's still true."

Lyiyn hesitated a moment. "...do you still want to be friends, like we'd promised we would?"

Cringing, Thyathyrec felt a tidal wave of guilt consume him, the realisation of the problems he'd caused himself hitting him fully in the face. "Lyi, I'd be a horrible person if I didn't keep my word. It's not your fault she ran to you after I rejected her, it's mine."

Lyiyn paused again. "Thya, I only agreed to that promise because I thought I'd be the one hurt."

Eh? "Why did you think she wouldn't like you?"

"Well, even if you and I both had the same practical intelligence, your memory trumps that. You're a thousand times more useful with your perfect memory than without it. As for me, I'm just a meathead—I'm not really special."

"Not really special?" He raised an eyebrow at his friend's apparent inferiority complex. "Then why did she run to you?"

"Err... I think she digs my tight ass."

There, Thyathyrec laughed unconsciously, not realising he had. Not because he thought Lyiyn a hopeless case, but he figured Piaròmine had ulterior motives in going to Lyiyn specifically. Maybe he knew that but he didn't care, and he was just trying to spare Thyathyrec's feelings. "That's really great for both of you, then." He crumpled his face in thought. "Her happiness was out of my hands, anyway. It's good that she has someone like you to—"

"That's what I wanted to know," Lyiyn interrupted. "Why did you think you couldn't make her happy?"

Thyathyrec hesitated, a smirk crossing his face. "Remember when we were all kids and Piaròmine would always beat us in races, and she would still have so much energy to play games after the rest of us were too tired to do anything else?"

"Yeah." Lyiyn smiled at the thought, raising his eyebrows. "She's still got it."

"That's part of it. I know she'll want to have kids until she can't anymore, and what happens when those kids are just as energetic as she is? I can't even keep up with her now, much less have the energy to help raise a whole family of tiny Piaròmines."

"You're being awfully pessimistic about that," Lyiyn retorted. "I bet she'd have the energy for both of you."

"I don't want her to do that. It's demeaning to ask her to do so much by herself, just because I couldn't. Even she doesn't realise how much it would kill her that I can't help, or that she would just be taking Kyò's place. She's better off with someone who can keep up with her, like you."

"You're depressing me, Thya. You're giving up your happiness just because you're feeling a little inadequate?"

"It's not mere inadequacy. It's knowing what's best and knowing I can't give it to her."

"I'm sure she'd understand that—"

"You can't hit a target by firing blanks from a waterlogged rifle."

Lyiyn looked pensive, then aghast as he slowly grasped the hidden meaning. "Are you serious? It doesn't work at all? You haven't even told me that."

"I didn't expect to fail."

Suddenly, he scowled at Thyathyrec, slamming his fist on the seat of the bench. "Don't tell me you're still thinking about that! The biggest mistake you've ever made was giving up!"

"My mistake was across instead of down."

Lyiyn could barely contain his rage as he grabbed Thyathyrec by the shoulders. "I went through Hell to save you that night! Why do you still want to throw that all away?"

Thyathyrec threw his hands in the air in response. "You haven't had to live through the Hell I've been through! They couldn't even fix a simple fracture right! Do you really think I trust them fucking up my junk? I'm through with sick bay, Lyi! I just can't be who Piaròmine wants, not in this life. It was better to break things off before it got any harder for her."

"That was three years ago! The medics have had extra practice to get up to speed—"

He held up a finger to interrupt. "Look at it from the colony's point of view, then—we're scraping by as it is with the number of people we still have. The youngest is Cyn's son Thiren, and I know Piaròmine is eager to help close the gap. What good is it spending the time fixing something that can easily be replaced?"

Lyiyn frowned, looking away. "Because then it would be your kids instead of mine."

"We don't need more of me."

"Says you."

"Why say you?"

"Why not?"

Thyathyrec stared him in the eye. "Lyi, if you really think I'd be passing on something better than what you have, remember that our parents were all soldiers like you. There's nothing special that makes me who I am. Your kids have just as much chance of being special—or screwed-up—as mine would. In fact, I guarantee that yours have a 100% greater chance of being healthier."

"A busted limb doesn't—"

"Of course not. I'm talking about what I got from Dhyròc."

"...what?"

"It's terminal, Lyi. I'm amazed I'm even still alive now."

The silence grew so thick it seemed to give Lyiyn claustrophobia. "You kept all of that secret, even from me?"

"Not entirely on purpose. It has gotten harder to talk with you."

Lyiyn sneered out of spite. "—because you didn't want to talk."

Thyathyrec sneered as well but looked guilty all the same, slumping down. "The Thyathyrec you were mates with all these years is gone, Lyi."

"I guess so," he retorted with a resentful tone. "Here I thought my Thya would have let me be his yaar—his friend—when he was going through hard times like that."

With a smirk, he gave a snort of amusement. Even after all this time, Lyiyn fought with following the colony standard lingo, something Thyathyrec didn't do as much since he didn't interact with others so directly. "...it's hard admitting weakness to someone I looked up to in tough times as a pillar of strength."

Lyiyn raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh? I didn't realise you were the romantic type."

Thyathyrec smiled weakly. "Mate, if I didn't have the scholar track going for me, I would've been slapped with custodial work. I admired how healthy and strong you've been, when I could barely do a chin-up."

Lyiyn raised both eyebrows, head tilting. "Chin-ups are hard, yo."

"Being indoors all the time didn't help, either, barely getting any daylight vitamins. I get heat exhaustion so much more easily now."

"That's the weather cycles doing that. Gramps talked about how we used to get SEASONS before, not this two weeks of somewhat hotter sun."

Thyathyrec thought back to the outing to Yrakc's craft. "It's insane how hard it is, though. I'm already like an old man. I wouldn't be surprised if Kyò came by tomorrow to drag me down for a denture fitting. Even when I CAN eat, it will only be soup or—" He rolled his eyes. "—BABY food."

Lyiyn looked downcast. "I can't say I know at all what you're going through. I guess, deep down, I'd just hoped it would get even a little better for you eventually."

"Maybe if we hadn't tried that raid—"

"Worst mistake of my life," Lyiyn growled, "leaving you alone."

"No, I was the one who thought of it. I should've let him be. There are plenty of safer options we could have tried, but I had to get an inflated head and think I could take his stuff just because he wasn't doing anything with it."

Lyiyn frowned. "Why didn't we ask?"

"Dhyròc was always overprotective of his work. Never would have agreed in a million years, especially since he was banished."

Here, Lyiyn held up a finger, interrupting. "See, that part I never understood. All Dhyr did was have a carrier ancestor. He could've easily stayed in the colony, kept safe like you are with Kyò."

Thyathyrec groaned. "Lyi, I don't know what Ahfimeďiec is up to, but everything is wrong. What you just said. No good reason to send our parents to go out and get lost forever. No good reason to restrict ALL the metal from ongoing experiments such that I can't build my ONE leg brace. No good reason why I'm Lead Scientist when IЪel clearly wants the position more and is more than qualified."

"Because you are, too."

"Sure, and at the time I got the promotion, I just wanted it to rub in IЪel's smarmy-ass face. Now, it's just a pointless wedge between all of the scholars. Half follow my title, the other half realise IЪel's the REAL head."

Lyiyn laughed. "A real BUTThead."

Thyathyrec shook his head. "No, the bloke actually has some good ideas, though I wish he'd get that huge chip off his shoulder trying to prove himself as superior to me. Even has Myl flustered, or... Well, I guess Myl is usually flustered." He unconsciously gesticulated with his hands, trying to figure out the point of his whole rambling story. "Like, had Yadhlòhfòc-can stayed, IЪel and I would probably be the bestest of buds by now, since we'd both just be her subordinates, and equals. Competition can be good, but it can also suck, especially for the loser."

"Hey," Lyiyn chided. "No losers on this bench!"

"Fine, I'll leave."

Thyathrec snickered as he started to stand, but Lyiyn pulled him back down, laughing. "Stop! No more impostor syndrome! Not allowed!"

"You're not the boss of me!"

Lyiyn puffed up his chest. "I am pretty BOSS, though."

Looking down to hide his smile, Thyathyrec had to laugh in spite of himself. He could hardly say Lyiyn didn't have a perfectly sculpted body—the product of generations of soldiers, genetically and occupationally. He couldn't blame ANYONE for wanting a piece of that, even when it meant choosing Lyiyn over...

Feeling a bit self-conscious, Thyathyrec looked down at his arthritic hands, covered by fingerless gloves. To help with walking, he had claimed, but he knew they also partly covered up the scars on his wrists. The sight of them with fresh cuts never went away, not with his accursed memory, though what had happened after that felt like a hypnotic blur—until he had finally come to in sick bay, thoroughly bandaged, drugged, and unable to move from restraints. He couldn't even learn what drugs they had put him on, since they had staunchly refused to disclose his medical history to him, by Ahfiamiďiec's orders.

The còlithyizin knew all of what had happened to Thyathyrec, and still kept him alive at any cost. It made Thyathyrec sick to think about, but he wouldn't act on his instincts until he had more information about what it all meant, what secret plan Ahfiamiďiec had in store.

"Gotta be..."

"Hm? What's that?"

Thyathyrec stared at nothing. "Just thinking... I remembered that Ahfiamiďiec had visited me when I was in sick bay to make sure they kept me alive. Now I'm wondering if that wasn't the real purpose of the missions, to remove the old guard and install a healthy new one."

"The còlithyizin's literally rebuilding his army?"

"Just a thought, nothing I can prove. Makes sense, though; I know that my folks weren't too keen on some of his policies." Talking about it in a public venue like this wasn't a good idea, though. To change the subject, Thyathyrec slapped his legs. "But if so, it's convenient, because that was my plan, anyway—to build a whole new colony of Little Lyiyns!"

His best friend laughed at the absurdity. "All these years, all that scheming, and you just wanted to make ME a huge slut?"

"Yes, it was my fiendish elaborate plan to throw a big fit and try to off myself, to remove myself from the gene pool just so that Lyiyn Alić Cylèythi's superior DNA could propagate itself freely and ensure the colony had the literally strongest future."

He snorted in disbelief. "Your tantrum was for the colony."

"I work in mysterious ways."

"Worst present EVER."

"I just really wanted to ensure no takebacks, colony has to take you or nothing!"

Lyiyn shook his head. "I'm glad you have such confidence in MY junk. Like, sure, it feels good, but I need time to reload."

"Pssh. You could knock up all the ladies here in a few weeks."

"Would I WANT to, though? Seems rude when I don't even know if they'd be willing. For one, I know that Myl-sy is married to science."

Thyathyrec felt astonished that even Lyiyn could tell. "Yeah, try to keep the assault to a minimum, maybe." He pointed a stern finger. "And get a ring!"

Lyiyn rolled his eyes but quickly gave him a serious look again. "Is that permission, then?"

Thyathyrec bowed deeply with yet another happenstance flourish of his mantle. "With my blessings."

"I'm not going to hear Kyò bawling her head off in the morning because she's failed her job, will I?"

"Not if you wear earplugs."

"Come on, Thya."

He smiled weakly at Lyiyn. "No, seriously. You and she might be the best thing that's happened, for both of us, even if maybe it could have been carried out a little better."

"I could say the same about your matchmaking M.O."

Thyathyrec shoved him. "Go! You've got someone who needs you now. If you break her heart, though, you'll have to answer to me!"

Lyiyn laughed from deep within his gut. "Anything else?"

"She likes Kyò's special sugar cookies on her birthday."

He grinned. "I'd better remember that, then. I'll add that to the huge list of things to keep me out of the dog house." Hesitating, Lyiyn slowly rose from the bench, as though reluctant to leave, but he didn't seem to know what else he needed to say. Finally, he clapped Thyathyrec on the shoulder and squeezed it in a friendly gesture. "I'm serious about this, Thya. I may not understand everything you feel, but it really was Hell for me when I almost lost you the first time, and even worse the second. Lovers will come and go, but it would destroy me to not have you around as a friend anymore, especially because you felt you weren't happy."

"Lyi," he said, laughing. "I'm fine. It's a lot of pressure off me. My interest in Piaròmine was out of a desire to make her happy, more than anyone else. If I can't do that for her, then all the better to have the one who can please her be by her side, and now I'm free to figure out who I am."

"Who were you before?"

He shrugged. "Some chav being pressured into possibly making a big mistake..." Thyathyrec raised an eyebrow at him. "You did realise—"

"You know, for a prude, you sound an awful lot like my dad when he gave me the talk."

"I'm just saying. The colony hasn't had the means to manufacture or import contraceptives available for decades."

Lyiyn grinned sheepishly.

"Idiot."

"Hey, you said it yourself, she wants to get knocked up something fierce." He started to make finger guns at Thyathyrec before something occurred to him. "Now I'm worried that the 3G crew will come back with one extra member."

"Good job, mate."

He chuckled and slapped Thyathyrec on the shoulder again before strolling away. "Well, better get some sleep, before I won't get to anymore. You should, too! I'll see you around."

"No rest for the wicked—or anyone else, for that matter."

"Haha... nope."

After Lyiyn disappeared, Thyathyrec buried his face in his hands, trembling uncontrollably. The tears wouldn't stop flowing.